Love Endlessly

Posted: February 4, 2014 in Uncategorized

As this semester continues to press on, so does my life. The year finally came to a close and with it, another chapter of my life. This year has started out with a big bang and has propelled me in a new direction. I am no longer hiding from what could be. I am tired of not taking chances and have made every step consciously, knowing not where it might lead me. This year has already been full of surprises and I can only imagine how many more will follow.

I managed to allow one if my coworkers to see a glimpse of my life that I have yet to share with anyone at work. I trusted her and with good reason. It turned out well and she has proven to not be the type to share personal information that is not her’s.

School has started out with a hit-the-ground-running attitude and I am enjoying all of my classes. I learn something new everyday day they meet and because of that, I could not wish for a better place to be.

Someone has appeared to play a more significant role in my life and I could not imagine anyone else that would be a better match. She is more perfect than I ever thought possible. She is everything I wanted, asked for, prayed for, AND more. She has proven that not everyone is the same. She has struck down my walls in a significantly short amount of time. She has shown that I can trust her. Even more amazing is she is completely understanding and accepting. I could not be happier.

Speaking arrangements are about to start popping up again. As the semester continues underway, I continue to hear about more opportunities to share my story.

I was interviewed for a Q&A on Buck Angel’s ftmhealth.com page. I could not be any more honored than I already am. That opportunity has opened up many doors including the ability to shine more light on my Transgender Support page. The more people that I can help, the better.

Love grows where there is darkness. Love will shine through in the depths of despair. You have the choice to listen to your heart or follow your mind. Your heart almost always knows your deepest desires. Love endlessly, hopelessly, and compassionately no matter who receives it. Love is the greatest gift we can bestow on one another. Do not waste it because you fear the unknown.

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Holiday Gloom

Posted: January 1, 2014 in Uncategorized

I hate the holidays. This is the one time of the year that I really wish I could skip right over. Maybe it is because right now I do not have my own family. I just wish it would be different, I guess. I love the idea of spending time with family during these times, but when it comes down to it, it does not play out that way. I usually pick up as many shifts as I can at work in an attempt to keep me as busy as possible. If I am busy, I have less time to think about it, right? I am just sick and tired of it being like this. I am ready for all of those years of bad memories, mixed with the current ones of being alone, to change. Sure, I see my dad. Once, on one day each for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it is just not the same. You know those big family meals while reminiscing over past memories; filled with big guffaws of laughter. That is what I miss. The warmth of the holiday season. I am sick of this chilly breeze I feel instead. Please fast forward to two weeks from now. I am ready to start school.

I know that it has been a while since I last wrote, but it is not because I have forgotten. It is because I wanted to update on a specific day. Tomorrow, well, today is a very important day in my life. A year ago today was the day that I took my first testosterone injection. I have officially been taking hormone replacement therapy for a year now! It has been a hell of a year, excuse my language, but I am very pleased with how this year has gone by. I have grown so much not only in my transition, but in my life experiences and inner growth as well.

To recap a little bit, earlier this year I was in a very serious relationship. It ended abruptly and unexpectedly, but it’s end was the best thing that has happened. After that I started searching inwardly. I grew an insane amount and that would not have happened if I ended up continuing on in that relationship. I also ended up getting a new job around June and I have absolutely loved it ever since. After I started my new job, I also started volunteering at the hospital that I work at. It has been an insane ride, but a wonderful experience. I would not want it any other way. I have continued on in my endeavors outside of work. I still have my transgender support group on Facebook and since then it has grown even more. We now have close to two thousand members from all over the world in the group and the main group has formed several sister groups, as well. The other groups are off to a good start and I expect them to continue to grow in this new year. Over the summer I was in a fitness Boot Camp and it was pretty intense at times. I pushed my limits more than I ever thought that I could and I am now in better shape than I ever have been. Towards the end of July I had my hysterectomy and I ended up healing extremely quickly. The scars from it remain, but they are very light and will continue to get lighter over time. It is a process and a journey that I will never forget. I have changed my major twice this year, but have finally decided on social work and will be graduating in May with my Associate’s.

As this year comes to an end, I look back at how far I have come. This time last year I was a completely different person. I am stronger, more passionate, more philosophical, and much happier than I was last year.

Over these past few weeks I have been learning even more. Buddha says “Anger will never disappear so long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts of resentment are forgotten.” I have forgiven my mom for everything that she has done, but it has been hard to let go of the anger attached with it. I am starting to let go. It is a process that I have to continuously work on, but I have been keeping myself in check. My mom and I have been kind of starting to repair things. I am supposed to meet with her and her mom next week. It will be a slow journey to healing, but can eventually get there if we both commit to it.

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This was taken over four years ago.

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Taken a few days ago. Four years can change everything.

No matter who you are or where you are at in your life, I encourage you to be yourself. Find yourself and be everything that you can. You have no limits except those in which you give yourself. You have the potential of the universe because you are the universe, it is within you. That is where you will find joy. Search within and everything else will fall into place.

Enough for today.

Finding Myself…Again

Posted: November 23, 2013 in family, news

I know that it has been over a month since I last posted and I do sincerely apologize for that.  I have been trying to juggle work, school, and everything else that I am involved in and it has gotten a little overwhelming.  I lost my center for a while and I am working on gaining that back.  Luckily I have been in touch with some very centered people and they have been unknowingly helping me find my way back.

There have been a few changes since I last wrote, but they have all been for the best.  I have decided with great finality that I am done with majoring in pre med.  I hated the classes at the beginning of the semester, but figured that I would give them a fair chance.  With the end of the semester approaching, I still strongly dislike the classes that I am having to take for that major.  They are just not for me.  I have talked to my school counselor about this and she has guiding me in a direction that I am pretty positive is going to work out.  My counselor knows me pretty well and suggested that I look into social work.  I did and it is a very diverse field which is one of the reasons why I love it.  I can easily work with one group of people for a few years and then turn around and work with another.  Also, the jobs in the field are fairly easy to come by which is becoming more and more important in today’s society.  So to sum it up, my counselor and I sat down and drew up my degree plan.  I will be (finally) graduating in May with my Associate’s degree.  After that, I will most likely go to Texas Tech (gag) for two years, receive my Bachelor’s, and then transfer to Lubbock Christian University for my Master’s.  Luckily, when I am finished at LCU, my diploma will actually come from University of Texas at Arlington (WOOHOOOOOO!!!!!).  (side note: For those of you that do not know, I am a MAJOR UT fan.  TTU is one of their biggest rivals which is one of the many reasons that I do not want to go there.  I shall suck it up, go, and wear my UT stuff on their campus. 😀)

I am no longer seeing anyone simply because it just did not work out.  We both came to that conclusion and honestly it is for the best.  When something is not working after trying over and over again, there is no reason to continue when you know what the outcome will be.  It’s like Einstein says “Insanity is doing the same things again and again and expecting different results.”  So I am single and I am happy with that.

Work has been going quite well.  I was lucky enough to get Thanksgiving off and I am absolutely ecstatic about that.  (This is the part where most people assume that I want Thanksgiving off to spend it with my family and/or loved ones.  This is also the part that I alert you that the real reason I wanted off is so that I can watch the UT vs. TTU football game.  Yes, I am serious and no, I am not kidding.)  I have managed to book my schedule between now and Spring semester with a ton of overtime.  Bring in the money!!!

I met up with my mom.  My dad sent me a text message about two weeks ago stating that I had received a letter in the mail at his house.  The envelope had no return address and was addressed to me, in care of him.  When I got there, I looked at the envelope and it was typed.  I found it odd and knew that whoever sent it was clearly trying to hide who they were.  It was addressed to me and not my old name, so that threw me for a loop.  I opened it.  It was a letter from my mom.  In the letter she actually apologized for the way that she treated me as a child.  She went over several things that she was sorry about and stated that all she wants is my forgiveness.  She said that she really wanted to see me, but would understand if I did not want to see her.  After thinking about it for a few hours, I messaged her on Facebook.  We ended up meeting up for dinner last week and discussing things.  It had been two years since I had seen or talked to her and it was quite awkward at first.  I was very guarded, still am, and was not sure if she was being truthful about her intentions.  We talked about everything under the sun and then I had enough beating around the bush.  I flat out asked her why she decided to write me.  She said that she has been trying to get closer to God and that in order to do so, she needs to be able to move past her mistakes in her past.  She needed my forgiveness to do so.  I badgered her with questions.  I was probably harder on her than I needed to be, but I did not want her to think that she could hurt me again.  When we left I was still trying to analyze the situation.  It went well, but I still was very reserved about it.  Now that some time has passed, I honestly think that she might actually be trying.  The window to the house is cracked.  It is a matter of if I want to open the door.  We will see in the end how it turns out.

Currently I am finding myself again, looking forward until the end of the semester, and very at ease with where I am at in life.  A few weeks ago a middle aged nurse that I work with was talking to me about my life.  She knew that I was majoring in pre med and was asking me why.  I told her and by my tone of voice she could really tell that I was not looking forward to all of the years of school.  She then asked me about my current social life which I went on to tell her that I had none.  She gave me this very calm, peaceful look, and told me that life was short.  It was a very surreal moment and hard to explain exactly what was happening in that moment.  She said a few other things that really hit home with me.  Suddenly I realized that I needed to reexamine a few things.  I have since then and I am very thankful that she said that in that moment.  I could easily continue along on the path I have been, but I know that I am supposed to go in another direction.  I am excited, thrilled, at peace, and very happy with the decisions that I have been making lately.  I know that in the end, I have made the right choices and it is hard for some people to say that.

Life Itself

Posted: October 2, 2013 in family, health, news, transgender

It has been a while, again, since I last updated.  I have gotten into the routine of not updating this as much as I used to.  School has really taken a toll on my free time.  Everything has been going quite well with me and quite a bit has changed since the last time that I wrote.

I moved out of my old place.  It was just becoming apparent that it was no longer the right place for me to be and that it was time to move on.  I ended up finding my new roommate on Craigslist and we hit it off right away.  I will not share too much about her personal life as I believe that is something that should be left to her.  However, I will say that she is LGBT friendly, is laid back, and has a Yorkie.  Currently, there are two little rascals staying with us.  Since moving in, we have welcomed a third roommate into our home and she is equally as great.  The two of them previously knew each other, but things have been working out well between all three of us.  We have cooked dinner together, hung out, and even laughed at each others blonde moments.  Some of us have had more than others.

I am also in a relationship.  Jasmine and I met on a trans* site and hit it off from there.  Again, I do not want to delve too much into her life as I believe that is something that should be her own.

Orion recently went missing.  He has been gone for almost three days and I still have not had any leads as to where he may be.

I have completed my orientation for No One Dies Alone and I am very excited to get started with that organization.  I enjoy giving back to others and feel that this is a great way to do so.  I also signed up to be a part of a Culture Fair at work.  I am equally as pumped about being involved with this in a couple of weeks.

School is going well, although, I am questioning in changing to pre med was the right decision for me.   I am missing mathematics every day.

I talked to my surgeon about the bleeding that I was having and he assured me that everything is fine.  It is not, in fact, bleeding, but more like what happens when a burn is trying to heal.  He said that all will be fine and to give it time to heal properly.  I am still dying to get back to full body workouts.

My dad and I went to dinner the other night for the first time in a while.  It went well, except for the fact that he was using the wrong pronouns in front of the waitress the entire time.  While it was extremely humorous because the waitress was very confused, it is still very hurtful because it makes me wonder if he is ever going to move on.

I finally gave in and got an ask.fm account.  It is a place that anybody is free to ask questions about anything from my transition to my life.  As long as  you are respectful, I will answer pretty much anything.  I will not tell you my birth name or what is between my legs.  If you cannot figure the second one out, take an anatomy class.  With that being said, you are able to ask anonymously, or with your username.  Here is the link so ask away!!  ask.fm/skylarmatthew

I have learned a few things lately about life.  There are times when you make a mistake.  You have a chance to fix it and the choice to do so is your’s.  You never know if it will be too late or not, but sometimes giving it a try and admitting that you made one might actually be worth it.  Taking chances are never a fun thing to do.  I mean, they are if it works out, but actually stepping off the end of the plank without knowing if there will be water or cement is quite scary.  Sometimes you have to push yourself and take the chance.  You never know what is going to happen and the result might be quite surprising.  When you think you are not up for something and you do it anyways, you might actually surprise yourself.  I know I did.  There have been a few times that I did not think that I could handle doing something and when I pushed through and did it, I amazed myself at what I actually could handle.  Life is full of surprises and chances that you can take.  It is up to you to decide which path you want to go on and what you think it worth it.  Just decide before it is too late.

Accelerate Upon Advancement

Posted: September 11, 2013 in health, news, transgender

I am over a month post op!  It is hard to believe it has already been that long.  That reminds me that I really need to set up my next follow up appointment.  The incision sites have been healing pretty well.  The one that I was most concerned with has closed up completely and it does not seem like it is going to be an issue.  I have noticed some internal soreness.  I am not sure if this is due to the surgery, or the fact that I am starting to work out my abdominal muscles after not doing so in a while.  This is something that I will be discussing with my surgeon just to be on the safe side.  Since my last follow up, I still have not heard back from them about the results of my lab work.  I was bleeding after the surgery, which my surgeon did not seem to think was normal, so he took some blood to check for infections.  I have called the office on multiple occasions to try to follow up about the lab work, but have not had any luck in getting in touch with a nurse.  The bleeding has still not completely stopped.  With my work and school schedule, it is hard to find a day that I can call them all day and/or wait for them to call me back.  It just does not work well.

After being on Facebook for a few years now, my Transgender Support site has officially reached over one thousand members!  Considering it is not a public group and members have to be screened before they can get in, this is a great feat!  I am very pleased with this and overwhelmed by all of the positive feedback coming from within the group.  I must get more moderators.  I usually do this about twice a year, but with the amount of people we now have, we are going to need some before December hits.

School is going quite well.  I skipped my first class of the semester yesterday.  Yes, I know.  I talk about being serious about school and then what do I do?  I had a very valid reason.  I am taking a BCIS class online right now which was a very bad decision on my behalf, but that is another story.  Anyways, long story short, the professor ended up moving the date for the exam and made it due yesterday by midnight.  Since I was not expecting the exam for another few days, I had not even studied at all.  So I skipped my Biology class, went home and took a nap, studied, and then took it.  Needless to say, I am not at all thrilled with my online class at the moment.  My other two classes are going great, though.  In fact, I just found out that one of my friends is in my Chemistry class and I had no idea!  (She sits two seats behind me and I had no clue.  This tells you how oblivious I can be.)

While it is rough, time consuming, and exhausting, this semester is working out.  Some how, some way I will make it through.

 

Hi(s)tory

Posted: September 10, 2013 in transgender

I was browsing Facebook and came across a link to an article on Original Plumbing’s website about family trees.  It talks about how someone that is trans* is seen in their family now that they are transitioning.  Will they disappear from their family tree as if they never existed?  It brings up a valid point and one that does happen.

My dad’s side of the family is one of those large families that hold family reunions every year, all are friends with you on Facebook, and track their family tree back as far as they can.  They have an online account with one of the businesses that helps families like them figure out their heritage as well as having a huge chart up of our family tree online.  This has been up for years and you must have an account in order to see it.  While I do not have an account and have not gone onto my dad’s in years, I am very aware that it still lists me as my birth name.  Skylar does not exist in the family and has managed to slip between the cracks as if he never belonged.

The article also brought up something that I thought was interesting.  It talked about a trans* individual’s history and how people automatically assume that your history was just like everyone else’s.  It is something that I have never put any great thought into, but it is quite true.  People automatically assume that I was raised as a male, taught to shave by my dad, learned to pee standing up as a young tot, and that I hit puberty at a normal age.  In fact, it was quite the opposite.  My dad did not teach me any of that.  I learned how to tie a tie in band, shave by cutting myself one too many times, pee standing up by aiming at the shower drain when I was in my twenties, and I am currently going through the puberty I never had.  I am not alone in this.  It is the same for a lot of trans* individuals.  In fact, you, yes YOU, could be assuming this very thing about someone you know, when, in fact, they are like me.  They were raised as a different gender and only recently were able to be who they truly are.

We all have a history.  It is what makes us who we are today.  I have mine, and yes, I grew up as a gender that was not correct.  It was absolutely horrifying.  I choose not to tell everyone for several reasons.  It is not always safe, for one, I want  the right to have the most private things about my life exposed to only those I choose to, for another.  Also, I want to be seen as a male.   I mean, that is what I have been wanting this whole time, right?  I really do not want to go around shouting “Hey!  Look at me!!! I am a transman!!!”  Some people are into that, and I get that.  It is not for me.  It has its time and place and I will get to that in a second.  Here is the thing.  Some people tend to believe that trans* individuals are not the gender that they are, but instead are the gender that they were born as.  So instead of people seeing me as a male while I am shouting that I am a transman, they will see me as a female.  Yes, I know this is not true of everyone, but it is true of some, and quite frankly, a lot of people that I have encountered in my area.  That is the last and final reason why I choose to remain stealth in most aspects of my life.  With that being said, I DO have some aspects where I am out and proud and shout “Hey!  Look at me!!!  I am a transman!!!”  These tend to be limited to speaking arrangements, my transgender support groups on Facebook, and obviously here and YouTube as well.  People need to know about the transgender community and I get that.  People are not going to ever understand us if we always stay in the closet, right?  Education is the key to overcoming ignorance- ignorance being the lack of knowledge on the subject.

I feel as if I am rambling tonight.  I will try to get to my point.  We all have a history.  We never know what one another might be going through behind the scenes.  Compassion and understanding are key to getting to know what is behind the facade of others.  You never know how hard someone has it until they tell you.  So have fun in life, show compassion, and keep judging to a minimum.